A little over two years ago, I was at a point in my marriage in which my ex-husband had already told me he was not happy in marriage and they he may never want to have children. I was doing everything I could think of to save our marriage, and I told him many times that having children was not a "deal breaker." I told him I would have to grieve the loss of the idea of children, but that my marriage vows were stronger than that. However, as I was saying those things to my husband, while they were true, I secretly held on to the hope that while we were married there was always a possibility of having children.
At that time, I was reading a memoir about a young woman going through a similar situation in which she was coming to terms with the possibility of not having children herself. The young woman in the book talked about her niece/nephew and decided that she could focus on loving her niece/nephew and developing a close relatinship with her/him. My nephew was about 17 months old around that time, and as I read that passage, I felt as if the Lord was speaking to me, telling me that I may not have children, but I could cultivate a meaningful and precious relationship with my nephew. I tried to push that out of my mind because I had and still do have a strong to desire to have children of my own.
One of the most difficult parts of the divorce, besides missing the man with whom I committed to share my life, was the realization that I may never have the opportunity again to have children. I continued to try to push it out of mind because it hurt too much to think about. However, it has been weighing heavily on my heart over the past several months. So much so that it has been difficult to be around children, hear stories about children, read blogs, and has even led to arguments between my sister and me. It is so difficult for me to think about never having children of my own, that it takes my breath away and I feel as if I'm on the brink of panic attack when I start to think about it.
A friend of mine recently recommended (after the post "Handling It Well") I read a book entitled "Angry Conversations with God" by Susan E. Issacs. It is a memoir about Ms. Issac's spiritual journey. I could relate to many of the thoughs and feelings Ms. Issacs shared in the book, and it was nice to know I'm not the only Christian in the world to have such thoughts and feelings.
Towards the end of the book, she writes about finding acceptance. She writes, "I have to accept that God isn't going to give me the life I want. I may never get married, I'll never make a living doing what I want." I have to come to a point to realize that in my own life, God in his infinite wisdom, may not give me the life that in my finite wisdom I think I want, and that I may not have children of my own.
Then she wrote, "If I never found the right man, that couldn't stop me from cultivating a life filled with love. If I never got married, that didn't mean I had to be alone...." I think that is so true and she was very wise and insightful for coming to that conclusion. I am living a life at this very moment cultivated with love from family and friends, and I am not alone because of them. But even if I didn't have family and friends surrounding me, I am surrounded by the love of Christ forever.
I love my nephew and niece as if they were my own children, and I cherish my special role in their lives as "Cici." If I never have children of my own, my life will be tremendously blessed by Cory and Callie. I also have the amazing opportunity to touch the lives of and guide teenages on a daily basis. The teenages come and go, but my prayer is that the Lord is able to use me to plant a seed in their lives that will continue to grow as they become adults. Ironically, Cory and Callie and many of those teenages have touched my life and planted seeds in my life that continue to grow and blossom and will continue to do so for a lifetime.
My life is full and blessed with or without children of my own, and I continuously remind myself of this.
My prayer is that I will come to a place where I can rest easy in the acceptance of GOD's plan - not MY plan - for my life.
So I leave you with a picture of sweet Cory and Callie with me at their first football game.
Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation, the Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on high places.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
